KillDatPoo

No, that is not the name of some insane Asian madman bent on oppressing his country through starvation. It isn't the name of a new rock band that pumps out three hit rock songs and then hits you with a slow ballad about high school days. It isn't the screen name of some 1337 haxor who has pirated any and all available forms of media and created a virus for anyone else who tries to download it. It also is not the name of a fancy new fuel saving hybrid vehicle that runs on dung.

KillDatPoo is more a state of mind. It takes a special breed. Someone willing to go beyond the norm. Someone that isn't afraid to get their hands dirty. A person ready to take on the hard tasks that others so easily let pass by. Can you handle it? Do you feel the power under the surface? Is that darkened corner in your life seeing the light? Is KillDatPoo in you? We shall see!

So what is it all about? Lemme splain to you as best as I can. KillDatPoo is what you do when your sewer backs up in your basement. If you don't kill it, it will kill you. It will creep up the stairs in the night and smoother you with your own pillow and leave a brown crusty residue all over the place for your family to clean up after you are dead.

This is where the old feces tried to make its escape. Delicious, I know. It really doesn't look so bad from this picture but it really isn't all that pretty. It all started last year around April. The sewer started to back up and flood a little of the surrounding area in the basement. Not too bad but enough to let you know it was doing it. So I did what any decent human being would do. I tried to ignore it and hope it would go away so that I didn't have to spend money on it. That didn't seem to work so I first tried to buy a cheapo "snake." Basically just a long thin piece of metal with a plastic spear type tip on the end. Jabbing and stabbing and trying to destroy the stagnant and lodged poo was something that wasn't going to be achieved with this fine piece of equipment. So I hired a plumber for $75 and had him auger my main lateral drain. It worked great. The waters went down and the poo pipe was cleared of clogs......at least for a little while.

Enter April 2006. The Wrath of Dook: Dook with a Vengeance. It happened again. Like clockwork. Spring begins and so does the clogging of the money draining stench tube. Little did the pipe know...I was prepared to do battle myself.

Here is the sword that slayed the beast. The mother of all poo punchers. The Electric Eel: Sewer and Drain Cleaning Machine. Note the label telling us about its exclusive Dual Drive. Wow. Driving the funk back with twice the punch. Most impressive, indeed. I rented this baby for half the price it would have costed me to call the plumber out again. The only drawback is that you have to do the work yourself, which if you are me isn't a big deal since I love this stuff. No really, I do.

I knew from the moment that I picked this machine up at the rental store, I was in love. Its red wheels, yellow extension cord and blue paint really captured my heart. It came with the option of 100 ft of cable or 60ft (which can be seen in the background.) I chose 60ft and hoped that it would be enough. It was. While loading the auger into my car I notice how well the cables smelled. Delicious remnants of the previous encounter with someones stash of nuggets hightened my olfactory awareness. I could hardly wait to put this in my car. It all fit into my trunk with slight persuasion. All set and off to the crash sight I went, pumped, primed and ready to destroy.

Here is the insertion point for the cables. Attach one to the auger and then attach the cables to each other as you go until you run out. The machine goes in forward and reverse so there is plenty of running around to do. The basic idea is to turn on running water and run this beast through until you break the clog free and the water goes back down to normal. Gloves are your friend while using a machine like this.

Spring is here and love is in the air. Here I am falling in love with my new friend. Big hugs for the turd crusher. The bond between man and machine has never been more fully understood than by those who use the machine to clean out recycled food products from a pipe. I am sure that this will be a yearly event full of action packed nugget destruction. When that day arrives I will be ready, for I am now known as Poo Slayer.

POO ROCK OPERA!!!!












Picking my nose with one of the bits that attach to the cables. Lobster claws!










Surfing on the Electric Eel.

True Bachelor:Fridge Edition

Welcome to True Bachelor. It is a joy to bring you the sweet beauty that is my refrigerator. Here you can behold it in all its fullness and its transformation to an empty wasteland as sparse as Hiroshimas landscape after Little Boy was dropped.
Observe the above picture for a moment and you will see that it has its share of items inside. Bread, soda ("pop" for all you weirdos), apples and other stuff. From a distance I would say that this fridge looks innocent enough but its when you really dive into the inside you see something more sick and twisted. Kinda like the BTK killer only in the form of a refrigerator. Onward...


Lets start out simple. Here is a view of the top shelf. On the plate is some old dried cake from late September of 2004. It isn't moldy cause its so dry! So it really doesn't play on my fears when I open the door. The container in the back left isn't really vegetable spread, its actually some old rolls from an unknown time frame. Might have been from September of 2004,might have been Feb of 2005. Its a mystery that will never be solved.

Here we have some home made pickles from my mom's garden. Pickles are made to sit around for long periods of time but these are no longer sealed in. They have been exposed to air for perhaps a year or so, once again I'm not so sure on this one. I felt sorry for them all alone in that corner so I included them in my photos. These green items are most likely very slimy and horrible tasting, that's why I'm going to eat them for dinner tonight.

This is the top shelf before I removed some of the finer items. There are a couple specialty items that I will go into more depth about in a moment but I wanted to get a close up view of the battlefield as it stood before I altered it. You can see the cake and rolls in there enjoying the afternoon. Also worthy of mention is that garlic bread on the right side there. Its been in there for a month or two or three.

This is what my daily lunch consists of. Oscar Mayer Cotto Salami. Why are there four packages in there you ask? I'm not so sure. I only eat the fresh ones and if I feel that its getting old it gets bumped to the back and a new one takes its place. Once I bought two big packs because they were on sale but I couldn't finish them in time so the poor dead meat was wasted and shoved in the corner. Now I only buy the smaller amounts.

Yay! Delicious Cajun seasoned turkey blob. I was given this from a guy I work with. His wife ordered it on QVC (home shopping network type deal)! Don't worry...It's shipped in dry ice...I think...This fine piece of turkey "breast" has been in there for two to three weeks. To be honest, I know why he gave it to me. It tasted good to me at first but it got old and gross rather quick. I'm not too picky about food so I thought it was great to be given a big ol piece of meat but I only munched on it for a couple days and then it made me feel sick. Here it lies in the fridge waiting patiently for my lips to once again pierce the outer surface of its gnasty Cajun skin! I decline its temptations. The apple adds a nice touch to the photo though!

Here we have my soda collection! If you look close you will see that all four of these only have a swallows worth left in them. They all seem to have the same amount which I actually find odd because I really enjoy soda and like to drink all of it. These where excluded from total consumption and pushed aside for my new collection of soda.


WARNING: VOMIT INDUCING PHOTOS!

VIEW AT OWN RISK!

Potato salad. Also from September of last year. I think it was pretty good stuff when it was fresh but now may be another story. I suppose I should have named this dude because its been in my fridge for almost a year and I open my fridge every day. We haven't talked much but this bowl has stuck closer than a brother through the rough times. Sadly he is going on a trip in which he will not be returning. Perhaps a relative of his will visit some day!

Even I was surprised at this one when I opened the lid. This is my grandmothers very delicious spinach dip! If its so delicious then why is there so much left in there to gather fungus and ebola and hiv and stuff? I just cant eat a ton of stuff all the time. Sadly this was wasted and decided to grow a beard. Needless to say, this pile of sludge didn't need to be pinched on St. Patricks Day!

These tomatoes sat on my counter for weeks. Middle mato seems to have a problem. It mentioned something about being its own individual and wanting to be different so it grew some dreadlocks. Actually I ate some of the tomatoes but I became lazy and didn't eat the rest, resulting in Rastamato.

Behold! The fridge has been purged of its demons! All that remains is my one pack of salami,bread,apples and my new soda collection...along with all my condiments on the side, mainly hot sauces and I guess a buncha mustard too...

Now I have room to fit the bodies inside...oh I mean...now I can fill it with lots of delicious food.